You know, I've been waiting for Nov. 17 just to see the Leonids meteor shower.
I didn't see anything, boo.

But it's alright, I got something better. ♥

Sometimes I think that if my life had a theme, it would be distance. I feel like I'm always longing for something far away, or that something's amiss. Perhaps it's not even my environment, maybe it's within. Then again, aren't people born incomplete?

Lately, my discussions with Megu have brushed on the topic of fathers. Partly because of Akihide, and the way he immortalizes his father with his art. Megu is somewhat the same way, always saying how painful losing her father was; it seems like the effect on her art is the opposite, however.

I am amazed at how these people revere their fathers, but then there's that part of me which feels lonely whenever they do so. They were already adults when they lost their fathers, but mine was just a passing shadow from the very start. There's a part of me that always wonders, "How come they have so much love for their fathers? How does it feel to brim with such affection?" Somehow the weight of this question feels crushing.

Even if I keep yanking at my end of the red string, if the other end doesn't tug back, then it's the as if not being bound at all. Sometimes, the more you pull, the more you strangle yourself, or the one on the other end. The last thing I want is to be somebody's noose.

I talked to my mother the other day and I told her I realized why I sometimes feel so estranged. I have no roots, no foundation; I have been displaced from the beginning. I sometimes wonder if that's better than having known a person, and then losing him in the end. In any case, both are better than being betrayed, being dirtied, being sullied to the point of destruction. I'm glad that part of my life is over.

No, it's not a matter of self-pity. On the contrary, I'm quite happy in who I am today. I guess it's more of a loneliness in not knowing, like when you look at the vastness of the ocean, or at height the faraway skies: the loneliness of distance.

I wonder, why do we throw our gazes to things far beyond our reach?

Maybe because I was able to write a short story while listening to Ito Denwa the other day.
Maybe because because I keep seeing butterflies.
AND MAYBE BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW THAT THERE WAS A PV FOR ZERO, AND THAT SHE MOUTHED "I THANK YOU SO MUCH. SO MUCH." AT THE END OF IT. :'(





I loved how she used Poe's "Nevermore, nevermore," in the lyrics of Zero, but I still prefer Zero no Chouritsu. Which has no PV. Boo.

Sigh. It would be useless to keep on wishing for her to come back, she already said goodbye after all. But she'll remain one of my biggest influences. I hope I can still come across her works one day. In the meantime I'll just keep watching her old PVs, I guess.

Doesn't this make you feel suspicious?
Like men use this Pocky variation for something else? XD

Shuichi has to stop eating strawberry pocky and switch to this instead.

Got these last Saturday. HMV was a day late, but oh well, I'm almost too busy to care. XD There's another CD coming from Megu. It should arrive sometime this week, I guess.



Anyway, I should make good use of this post, so here are some uploads.( rabu rabu wan tsu panchii )

Yesterday was Jessica Day.



Cari: Ever since !@#!#!$!@ and I broke up I've done so many things. I studied cooking.
Me: Really? You cook now?
Cari: As long as they're vegetables.
Me: And why only vegetables?
Cari: I don't want to touch meat, they have blood.

Really, when I'm with the Jessica's, I feel like I'm one of the ditziest people on earth. That's why we call ourselves the Jessica's, after Jessica Simpson, who's like, well, Queen Ditzy. ^^;;

I have different groups of friends, and they each highlight a part of my personality. Being with the Jessica's make me a ditz, being with Famusu makes my mouth rot (hahaha), and then there's Megu. Whenever I talk to Megu, I strive harder to be the person I want to become. That part of me which wants to grow as a scholar, and as well, I'll say it now, as an artist -- Megu understands it well.

I realize it now... my greatest fear is being 2nd-rate at the things I do. I'm too afraid to put myself out there, but as I am right now, I'm practically non-existent. I can't just be in awe of other people's works, it's painful and frustrating not being able to paint the world my own colors. I want to have more faith in myself.

Yesterday, I asked my professor asking for a reference on how to write a good thesis proposal. I feel like I need one if I really want to get my hands on a scholarship. He opened his reply with the ff:



I feel happy that I received such a compliment from someone accomplished, but I still feel like it's not enough. So much so that it frustrates me. Sigh.

Someone once said to enjoy the journey and not always fixate myself on the goal... I am learning to do that, but I have yet to get rid of my own inhibitions. There's so much more to make, so much more to be. And I just pray to God that he continues to guide me.

I received a postcard from Megu yesterday. ♥ For someone who says she's not the older sister type, I feel like I'm being spoiled a lot.

She wants to send me her postcards and posters. I feel glad, but whether I say yes or no, I feel like I'm not being polite enough. D: And I'm putting somebody else in the same position. (I haven't replied to you properly yet. I will in a bit.)

I luck out on many things, but I sure am blessed when it comes to friends.


PS. I was half-awake when my mom handed me the postcard yesterday, and when I opened my eyes to see what I was holding, the first thing that came to my mind is, "Ah, AKIHIDE is taking a dump." Hahaha.

YASU.
EVEN IF YOU SCARRED ME FOR LIFE WHEN YOU RAPED AKIHIDE, I DO HAVE A LOT OF LOVE FOR YOU, Y'KNOW.
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO BE ALL DRAMATIC AND GET SICK ON US?
YOU CAPRICIOUS ^&*^&*(^%%$*^&!!

I read about this on the website, and fortunately, somebody translated this for reposting. This is what I received in my inbox:( Please get well soon. )

I knew there was something fishy about this and that blogging about the Budoukan final. If it were only DAIGO, it would have been a mere fanboy post. But yasu invited quite a lot of people...

yasu also had to stop his blog... I hope they don't take it down, though. More than that, I pray for his speedy recovery. yasu, come back soon, please?

A few months ago, around the start of the first semester, I blogged about writing this academic paper on boys' love. A lot of people extended their help, and because of that I managed to get a 1.0 (the highest grade my university gives) on both the paper and as my final grade. This is my very first paper as a student pursuing a master's degree, so I'm really very happy that my hard work earned a good grade. I'm now more confident in applying for a scholarship. :)

As to why I chose this topic, there was a time in my life when I consumed boys' love media as if it were oxygen. ^^;; I am somewhat glad that's over. Before I wrote the paper, it had been a long time since I read BL manga, and it only came to mind because of well, Eiki Eiki, who piqued my interest for being an ojousan and a BL mangaka at the same time. It was rather strange for me to see the grandchild of a former prime minister to choose that which is queer as her subject of expertise. It made me think of how Japanese society views this phenomenon. At the same time, I had lingering unresolved issues about BL, particularly about its difference from gay literature. My main objective in writing this, therefore, is neither to promote nor problematize, but simply to create in its readers self-aware consumers of popular culture.

As a way of showing my gratitude, I uploaded my paper entitled Exploring the Female Consciousness in Boys' Love Manga: The Real, The Ideal, and the Despised Self to the websites linked below. Feel free to send me your comments and criticisms -- they will help me become a better writer. I also hope that this might be of some help to scholars who would like to take on the subject in the future. Again, thank you very much!

Google Docs or Data Nest

I'm back from my short vacation in Baguio! I'll prolly post pictures later. I love that place. ♥

This is what welcomed me when I got back home:



Today (yesterday, rather) was their Budoukan live, and Akki was wearing that hairstyle again.

I like the shy Akki who, instead of partying with everyone, goes home right after a concert.
I like the cocky Aki-sama who knows his place on stage and is proud of his own sound.
But really, at the core of it all, the one I really adore is... AKIHIDE minus all these stage personas; the one who speaks when the music and words start playing. ^^;;;
If one day I get to one of their concerts, I hope I meet him.
Not Akki, not Aki-sama, but just AKIHIDE.
I won't complain about meeting the other two, though. They're a lot of fun as well. :D